Priscilla Shire once said, “It is
possible to be a disciple and not know God.”
This quote describes my life perfectly.
I grew up in church, was saved and baptized at a young age, but never
really understood the truths I was being taught and raised on. It wasn’t until this year where God helped me
realize I have perfected the role of Martha but He wants me to learn how to be
Mary. (See the story of Mary and Martha
in Luke 10).
I have loved God from a very young
age. Since I was 12 years old I have been
serving faithfully in my church, community, country, and the world. This service has helped me grow in my passion
for helping the weak and vulnerable. While I have served with passion I still
felt so empty inside. After some time, the
good feelings I had from helping others would go away, and like a drug, I would
want them back, more and more, giving every free moment, and every extra dollar
I had to helping others. Believe it or not I was addicted to helping
others. You may think, “well this isn’t
a bad thing,” but it really can be!
While helping others is good it
shouldn’t be our priority. I
unfortunately spent many years neglecting my relationship with God. This neglect caused me to doubt God’s love
for me, leading me looking for love from the people I served, which was a HUGE
mistake.
My quiet time spot in Nepal |
All God has really wanted is for me
to spend time having a relationship with Him, to experience and be overwhelmed
by His love for me. I was looking for love an acceptance from broken people and
constantly being let down, causing the fear of rejection and abandonment to
grow inside. I knew in my head God loved
me but that truth never made it to my heart. I made service to God an idol,
because I put it before my relationship with Him.
Every year for the past 9 years I
have prayed and asked God to give me a word for the year. This word usually ends up being the theme of
my year. In November 2015 God gave me
the word “humility” for 2016. And in
December 2015 the lessons I was to learn from that word began. God humbled me, allowing everything He had
given me to be taken from me. This forced
me to do something I should have done a very long time ago, attend a YWAM DTS
(Youth With A Mission, Discipleship Training School).
In this 6 month school I learned how
to be Mary. It forced me to be still and
sit at the feet of Jesus. Here I learned
about the character and nature of God, His desire for all of creation, and His
heart for Justice. Most importantly,
this school helped me move the truth that God loves me from my head, to my
heart! God used this school to complete
me! Before understanding God I never
felt like I was complete, but now I feel whole, as well as emotionally and
mentally healthy.
This school has helped me gain a
better understanding of what justice looks like which will help me be a better
advocate for social injustice and human rights.
In the past, passion is what has driven me to serve and help others when
it should have been the love of God.
Because I didn’t understand the character and nature of God and I never
experienced His love for myself, I wasn’t able to care for others with the
authentic love that the people in this world need.
Passion is great, but when there is
no love behind passion it’s like someone playing the violin for the first
time. They may have passion to play but
they don’t know what they are doing.
While their desire is to make beautiful music the screechy noise they
are making instead is extremely annoying.
They need to be taught. As they
learn they will become better at playing the violin. Because of their passion they will be
successful at it, never quitting when it gets too difficult. Most importantly, once they learn how to play
that annoying noise will become a beautiful sound.
It’s incredible the different sound
you get from a beginner learning the violin to a professional violinist. I believe this analogy also applies to
me. Now that I understand the character
and nature of God, now that I believe in my heart Jesus loves me, I am able to
serve others with the authentic love of God as the driving force behind my
passion to see the vulnerable set free from injustice. As I look to God, the
greatest teacher of love and advocate of justice in all of history, I am better
equipped to help others find the wholeness and healing they are searching
for. God is pursuing each and every
person. My hope is that I can help
others stop long enough to be caught by Him like I was!
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My DTS at graduation |
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