So P. Matt asked us to write a letter of commitment/devotion to You for LTM. Ironically, at the moment, I have this strong urge to rebel. I’m not really sure how, when, or what I want to do to rebel, but the urge is there. Sure, I sin everyday but I have the mindset, intention of sinning this time. I don’t want to deal with the guilt that will await me after the sin though which is currently preventing me from doing so. Even thinking about it I feel guilty. There is a war raging inside me that I cannot fight. Paul said it right, “What a wretched man I am.”
My heart is sick. I am in anguish because I feel like everything is falling apart. The dreams that I once dreamed, and even still dream, seem so distant and people are starting to question them. I’m 32! Why haven’t I met those dreams yet? Why are there all these barricades and obstacles in my way? While my peers have fulfilled their dreams, or are currently in the process of doing so, mine are still a long ways off. On top of this I feel lonely. Most of my close friends in Korea are preparing to leave or have left, and I still have 6 more months to live here. Every part of my life feels neglected, and then I look at my relationship with You and WOAH! Talk about neglect.
I’ve been neglecting you God. I’m so busy trying to juggle and fix everything else that I have neglected my relationship with You. The way I feel today is the way You feel everyday I neglect to spend time with You. You are my friend; You are always by my side. Maybe if I spent more time taking care of my relationship with You, all my other relationships would make more sense and be more healthy?
I just want to disappear. I just don’t want to be around people right now. I know that won’t help the loneliness, but perhaps it will save me from the feelings of rejection I cannot bear which spawn my feelings of loneliness. I wonder how easy it would be to disappear? If I disappear then that means I would have more time for You. You won’t let me down, You never do. You always make time for me, and You are so busy taking care of the world. A world, which has way more problems than the loneliness I selfishly anguish over often.
So why don’t I give up? Why don’t I give in? This Christian thing seems so difficult. Wouldn't it just be easier to go after what I want and leave all this behind? Well, the answer is simple to the one who understands The Truth, I’d rather inherit God’s riches than gain everything the World can offer. Satan can offer me all the fame and fortune in the world but I know that won’t make me happy. I see the misery of these famous people across the world that have chosen to hope in what the world can give and not the hope that God’s grace offers. That's what I would await me by running from you....no thanks.
Life was meant to have meaning and that meaning doesn’t come from meaningless things that won’t go with me when I die. I remember what Jesus did for me on the “Old Rugged Cross” and I wouldn’t trade that for the world because this is where true joy and happiness abound. This is what gives my life meaning and drives me to fulfill my purpose. You never promised this Christian life would be easy. But you did promise abundant blessings at the end, when life on this earth is finished, and my purpose for being here has been accomplished.
God I commit myself to you. I commit my ways to you. Forgive me! I know I'm going to keep messing up, even though I don't want to, but I ask You please, take my anxiety and turn it into hope. Take my fear and turn it into peace. Take my loneliness and turn it into contentment. Take my defeat and turn it into victory! Take my doubt and turn it into faith. Take my rebellious heart and make it devoted to You. I love you Lord. Thank you for being patient with me and thank you for the cross and the love you show me daily. I don’t deserve any of this! You are so good! “Thanks be to God who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:25)
~Your beloved daughter, Rachael