Sunday, April 20, 2014

Why Do I Feel Discouraged?

So, I've been struggling once again in the regular, constant flesh/spirit battle that frequents my mind.  This morning I had to take a break from everything and everyone and journal.  Writing gives me so much clarity and makes me feel so good but I have been struggling to journal in Korea.  I wasn't going to share cause journaling is personal, but I feel like there are a lot of people that are going through what I'm going through.  I pray that this journal might be an encouragement to those Christians who are feeling guilty or discouraged about their current relationship with God.  Hang it there friends, it will all pay off.

     As I stare out my window today, Easter Sunday, April 20, 2014, I can’t help but think of how great God’s plans are for me.  I mean He has plans for me that I don’t know about nor desire for my life, until I’m in the midst of fulfilling those plans.  I never planned to live in Asia yet here I find myself in Seoul, S. Korea, preparing to do missions in Thailand.  And you know what, God’s plan for such a time as this has been great, it has been beyond my wildest imagination and I have fully enjoyed every moment of this time I have been given in S. Korea.  I have gotten to experience things I never even knew existed and go to places I never would have imagined myself going to.  I’ve met some really interesting people who have shared some incredible stories and taught me so much.  I’ve grown more aware and with that more passionate about fighting an injustice that I’ve been heart broken over for over a decade now. 

     So why do I continue to fight God’s will for my life?  Why do I continue to struggle to find time to spend with Him?  Why do I think that what I want for my life is better when I know that God wants me to have a good life and has provided me with one so many times up until this point?  Why is it so hard to Trust Him with everything and just let go of my stress, fears, and anxieties?  Instead of being excited about the future, I’m worried because I have no idea what is going to happen.  There are so many unknowns, so many fears, so many “what ifs,” but then I’m reminded I have nothing to fear.  God watches over the sparrow and I know He is watching over me.

     My flesh wants one thing and my spirit another.  They are in constant battle with each other.  I just want to escape my mind sometimes because I can’t take it anymore.  My flesh wants what will gratify for only the moment while my spirit begs the flesh for time with God.  But something always comes up.  Something always conveniently gets in the way.  I am struggling.  Each day my flesh wins more and more of this battle thanks to the busyness I find myself consumed in.  Why is so difficult to open my bible and read it?  Why is it so difficult to pray?  Deep down I want the intimate relationship with my Maker I was created to have but I find myself “too busy.”  TOO BUSY for God!!!!?  How can that be?  “Be still and know that I am God” he says, but in this city where everyone is in a hurry, and everyone wants things now, there is no time to be still.  I don’t know how to make time for God in this environment.    

     This life can be so lonely at times.  I’m constantly surrounded by people (for crying out loud I live in a city with 9 million people) but they are too busy to listen, too busy to spend time together.  If they are available to hang out with, they are usually consumed with themselves or their smart phones and don’t bother getting to know me.  They just assume I only want to know about them.  This experience allows me to get a glimpse of how you feel.  I do the same thing to you.  I’m too busy to talk to you, even though you are more than available to listen.  I am too busy to spend time with you, even though you are more than available to be with me and want it more than anything in the world.  I’m too busy telling you what is wrong with me and not asking you to reveal yourself to me.  I think I know you but I don’t because I am CONSUMED WITH ME when we are together.  You care about me more than anyone. 

     God, sometimes I wish you were a physical being.  Sometimes I wish I could feel your arms wrapped around me.  Sometimes I wish I could hear what your voice sounds like.  But then what if you were?  Would I still treat you the same way?  Would I still long for affirmation from others when I can just go directly to you?  Even though you are not physically here, I can go directly to you but chose not too.  It’s easy to say I forget you at times because I cannot see you.  But isn’t that just an excuse? 

     God, on this Easter Sunday, I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you.  I’m sorry that I turn to anything but you for comfort and guidance.  I’m sorry that I rely on things that fulfill only for a moment.  I thank you for what you have don for me.  I thank you for loving me.  I thank you for sending your Son for me.  I thank you that you are always available, even though I cannot see you and at times I cannot hear you. I thank you that your presence never leaves me, even in the times when I ignore it.  I thank you for your Word.  I thank you for your love.  I thank you for your mercy.  I thank you for your guidance.  I thank you for your provisions for my life.  I thank you for choosing me for the life you have given me.  Help me to appreciate it.  Help me to appreciate what you have given me and allowed for me to do and who I have become.  I am grateful that You have time for me and all the billions of other people in the world, and I hope that one day, those who don’t know You will.  May You use me to help others know You the way You were intended to be known.  More importantly, may I know You the way You were intended to be known.  Help me not to feel discouraged because discouragement leads to guilt, guilt leads to apathy and an apathetic heart is not a heart that I want in this life.  I don't want the burden of apathy.  

I love you Lord. 

Galatians 5   FREEDOM!!!

2 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that I had written this! It perfectly captures how I feel so often! SO often. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us; it helps to know that I'm not alone in my struggles but even more than that, it's an encouragement that we are not meant to do this life alone. We are meant to have community in the body of Christ. Thank You, God for loving us just the way we are, but loving us too much to let us stay that way.

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    1. Thanks Natasha for reading my blog and for your encouraging words. I'm really blessed to have you as part of my community here in Seoul. <3

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