So, I've been struggling once again in the regular, constant flesh/spirit battle that frequents my mind. This morning I had to take a break from everything and everyone and journal. Writing gives me so much clarity and makes me feel so good but I have been struggling to journal in Korea. I wasn't going to share cause journaling is personal, but I feel like there are a lot of people that are going through what I'm going through. I pray that this journal might be an encouragement to those Christians who are feeling guilty or discouraged about their current relationship with God. Hang it there friends, it will all pay off.
As I stare out my window today, Easter Sunday,
April 20, 2014, I can’t help but think of how great God’s plans are for
me. I mean He has plans for me that I
don’t know about nor desire for my life, until I’m in the midst of fulfilling
those plans. I never planned to live in
Asia yet here I find myself in Seoul, S. Korea, preparing to do missions in
Thailand. And you know what, God’s plan
for such a time as this has been great, it has been beyond my wildest
imagination and I have fully enjoyed every moment of this time I have been
given in S. Korea. I have gotten to
experience things I never even knew existed and go to places I never would have
imagined myself going to. I’ve met some
really interesting people who have shared some incredible stories and taught me
so much. I’ve grown more aware and with
that more passionate about fighting an injustice that I’ve been heart broken
over for over a decade now.
So why do I continue to fight God’s will for my
life? Why do I continue to struggle to
find time to spend with Him? Why do I
think that what I want for my life is better when I know that God wants me to
have a good life and has provided me with one so many times up until this
point? Why is it so hard to Trust Him
with everything and just let go of my stress, fears, and anxieties? Instead of being excited about the future,
I’m worried because I have no idea what is going to happen. There are so many unknowns, so many fears, so
many “what ifs,” but then I’m reminded I have nothing to fear. God watches over the sparrow and I know He is
watching over me.
My flesh wants one thing and my spirit
another. They are in constant battle
with each other. I just want to escape
my mind sometimes because I can’t take it anymore. My flesh wants what will gratify for only the
moment while my spirit begs the flesh for time with God. But something always comes up. Something always conveniently gets in the way. I am struggling. Each day my flesh wins more and more of this
battle thanks to the busyness I find myself consumed in. Why is so difficult to open my bible and read
it? Why is it so difficult to pray? Deep down I want the intimate relationship
with my Maker I was created to have but I find myself “too busy.” TOO BUSY for God!!!!? How can that be? “Be still and know that I am God” he says,
but in this city where everyone is in a hurry, and everyone wants things now,
there is no time to be still. I don’t
know how to make time for God in this environment.
This life can be so lonely at times. I’m constantly surrounded by people (for
crying out loud I live in a city with 9 million people) but they are too busy
to listen, too busy to spend time together.
If they are available to hang out with, they are usually consumed with
themselves or their smart phones and don’t bother getting to know me. They just assume I only want to know about
them. This experience allows me to get a
glimpse of how you feel. I do the same
thing to you. I’m too busy to talk to
you, even though you are more than available to listen. I am too busy to spend time with you, even
though you are more than available to be with me and want it more than anything
in the world. I’m too busy telling you
what is wrong with me and not asking you to reveal yourself to me. I think I know you but I don’t because I am
CONSUMED WITH ME when we are together. You
care about me more than anyone.
God, sometimes I wish you were a physical
being. Sometimes I wish I could feel
your arms wrapped around me. Sometimes I
wish I could hear what your voice sounds like.
But then what if you were? Would
I still treat you the same way? Would I
still long for affirmation from others when I can just go directly to you? Even though you are not physically here, I
can go directly to you but chose not too.
It’s easy to say I forget you at times because I cannot see you. But isn’t that just an excuse?
God, on this Easter Sunday, I’m sorry for the way
I’ve treated you. I’m sorry that I turn
to anything but you for comfort and guidance.
I’m sorry that I rely on things that fulfill only for a moment. I thank you for what you have don for
me. I thank you for loving me. I thank you for sending your Son for me. I thank you that you are always available,
even though I cannot see you and at times I cannot hear you. I thank you that
your presence never leaves me, even in the times when I ignore it. I thank you for your Word. I thank you for your love. I thank you for your mercy. I thank you for your guidance. I thank you for your provisions for my life. I thank you for choosing me for the life you
have given me. Help me to appreciate
it. Help me to appreciate what you have
given me and allowed for me to do and who I have become. I am grateful that You have time for me and
all the billions of other people in the world, and I hope that one day, those
who don’t know You will. May You use me
to help others know You the way You were intended to be known. More importantly, may I know You the way You
were intended to be known. Help me not
to feel discouraged because discouragement leads to guilt, guilt leads to apathy
and an apathetic heart is not a heart that I want in this life. I don't want the burden of apathy.
I love you Lord.
Galatians 5 FREEDOM!!!
Oh my gosh. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought that I had written this! It perfectly captures how I feel so often! SO often. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us; it helps to know that I'm not alone in my struggles but even more than that, it's an encouragement that we are not meant to do this life alone. We are meant to have community in the body of Christ. Thank You, God for loving us just the way we are, but loving us too much to let us stay that way.
ReplyDeleteThanks Natasha for reading my blog and for your encouraging words. I'm really blessed to have you as part of my community here in Seoul. <3
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